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Needing to vent.
Jul. 18th, 2010 09:58 pmHi all.
Everything I seem to post on here is ranting or me being annoyed about something. Though this time I really feel that I need to vent somewhere about this. So here goes..
So anyone who has known me for a long times knows that I have had ' Mother ' issues from a young age. She left Me and my siblings when I was two because she was sleeping with another man. We didn't see her allot while growing and Me being the youngest.It hurt me allot not knowing why i didn't have a mom or why i had never seen her allot. I generally grew up as an unhappy child because of those feelings, so without my mom knowing, she was already a big part of my life even when she wasn't there.
When I was eleven I had gotten into contact with her and was excited that I had a Mom. While growing up, my Father and siblings told me that My mom had her problems and was an alcoholic.This is why we never had seen her much but i never listened. I have always wanted to ' experience ' things for Myself. When i was eleven i finally moved in with my mom and was happy that I finally had her. She was great for the first year. really she was. But when i started high school who she really was started to come through. She drank, and verbally and sometimes physically abused but yet i still wanted to stay. Long story short. My teenage years were miserable. I got insomnia. Depression. Anxiety. My friends wouldn't even want to stay over.
Yet despite this, I still loved her and still do. She is My Mother. When I was sixteen I was kicked out of home and have been moving on ever since. Now to get to the point.
Over the years, I have sorted out my problems with her and accepted the fact that she will always be the way she is and won't stop drinking. She is okay. She helps me out with money and such when she can. But only at a price and tonight i remembered that when she called me.
I was telling her how i went out with My dad ( she asked ). Yes i told her i drank and vomited once as you do. Now to clear this next part up. I don't go out and drink all the time. In fact i barely do, so when i do i like to drink lots. My Mom knows i rarely drink but decided to get pissed off at the fact that i was with my dad and those two will always be with battle to each other, mainly my mom. She told me out of all things that ' my drinking was getting out of hand '. I couldn't help it and snapped. I said " out of all people to tell me that i drink to much, you are definitely not the right person ". No I did not regret it because its true and she finally needs to hear it. She snapped and told me " who am i to talk when i barely have my life in order and need to borrow money from time to time ". This is what pisses me off the most. The woman who was barely there for me, who by the way is an alcoholic. To tell me that I have a drinking problem when i barely drink and when i snap at her with the truth to try and tell me she is better than Me. She is right though, my life isn't in order and why?. Because I'm a 19 year old kid, kicked out of home at 16 and having to survive on my own. So of course my life isn't perfectly in order. I'm still a baby for ch**** sake!. Then she goes on to tell me that she has a house and a job and a husband. What? and I'm suppose to at 19?. When i told her she of course used her ' money ' against me by telling me that i have to get her to give me money. In my opinion, its the least she could do.
In conclusion I have learned that she will unfortunately change and that breaks my heart because i have spent my life trying to impress her and even when she destroyed me, i still can't help but want her in my life and to make her proud of me and i shouldn't have to. The sadest thing is that everyone agrees that she needs to grow up.Who is she to tell me what i need to do when she was and still is barely there for herself or was for her own kids. She didn't know me and still barely does. I will always love her but she continues to hurt me but at least this time I'm prepared for it and have my guard up.She try's to be a good Mother but sometimes she doesn't try hard enough.
Anyway I'm sorry to trouble you all with my foolish life just had to vent and breath.
A.xxo.
Everything I seem to post on here is ranting or me being annoyed about something. Though this time I really feel that I need to vent somewhere about this. So here goes..
So anyone who has known me for a long times knows that I have had ' Mother ' issues from a young age. She left Me and my siblings when I was two because she was sleeping with another man. We didn't see her allot while growing and Me being the youngest.It hurt me allot not knowing why i didn't have a mom or why i had never seen her allot. I generally grew up as an unhappy child because of those feelings, so without my mom knowing, she was already a big part of my life even when she wasn't there.
When I was eleven I had gotten into contact with her and was excited that I had a Mom. While growing up, my Father and siblings told me that My mom had her problems and was an alcoholic.This is why we never had seen her much but i never listened. I have always wanted to ' experience ' things for Myself. When i was eleven i finally moved in with my mom and was happy that I finally had her. She was great for the first year. really she was. But when i started high school who she really was started to come through. She drank, and verbally and sometimes physically abused but yet i still wanted to stay. Long story short. My teenage years were miserable. I got insomnia. Depression. Anxiety. My friends wouldn't even want to stay over.
Yet despite this, I still loved her and still do. She is My Mother. When I was sixteen I was kicked out of home and have been moving on ever since. Now to get to the point.
Over the years, I have sorted out my problems with her and accepted the fact that she will always be the way she is and won't stop drinking. She is okay. She helps me out with money and such when she can. But only at a price and tonight i remembered that when she called me.
I was telling her how i went out with My dad ( she asked ). Yes i told her i drank and vomited once as you do. Now to clear this next part up. I don't go out and drink all the time. In fact i barely do, so when i do i like to drink lots. My Mom knows i rarely drink but decided to get pissed off at the fact that i was with my dad and those two will always be with battle to each other, mainly my mom. She told me out of all things that ' my drinking was getting out of hand '. I couldn't help it and snapped. I said " out of all people to tell me that i drink to much, you are definitely not the right person ". No I did not regret it because its true and she finally needs to hear it. She snapped and told me " who am i to talk when i barely have my life in order and need to borrow money from time to time ". This is what pisses me off the most. The woman who was barely there for me, who by the way is an alcoholic. To tell me that I have a drinking problem when i barely drink and when i snap at her with the truth to try and tell me she is better than Me. She is right though, my life isn't in order and why?. Because I'm a 19 year old kid, kicked out of home at 16 and having to survive on my own. So of course my life isn't perfectly in order. I'm still a baby for ch**** sake!. Then she goes on to tell me that she has a house and a job and a husband. What? and I'm suppose to at 19?. When i told her she of course used her ' money ' against me by telling me that i have to get her to give me money. In my opinion, its the least she could do.
In conclusion I have learned that she will unfortunately change and that breaks my heart because i have spent my life trying to impress her and even when she destroyed me, i still can't help but want her in my life and to make her proud of me and i shouldn't have to. The sadest thing is that everyone agrees that she needs to grow up.Who is she to tell me what i need to do when she was and still is barely there for herself or was for her own kids. She didn't know me and still barely does. I will always love her but she continues to hurt me but at least this time I'm prepared for it and have my guard up.She try's to be a good Mother but sometimes she doesn't try hard enough.
Anyway I'm sorry to trouble you all with my foolish life just had to vent and breath.
A.xxo.
